Whenever I’ve mentioned my advice column, the first topic requested for discussion is a list of successful pickup lines. I can’t agree more; this subject demands exploration.

First and foremost, pickup lines are bullshit. They don’t work. If ever they do work, it’s because the woman targeted is either too inebriated or devoid of scruples to make any prudent judgment. There is no incantation a man can recite that will enthrall a woman in fascination with him. The “pickup artists” you saw on TV have sold you a false bill of goods.

In truth, what people really need are icebreakers—that cool, comfortable introduction that cleaves through the awkwardness of two strangers and ignites a relationship between them. This article isn’t just for the boys—Ladies, this may also be for you.

When someone attractive catches your eye, the easiest way to establish a connection with them is to find something in common that you share. This can be challenging, since all you have to work with is that initial visage of that person. Acquiring the skill of seeing more than looking is about as valuable as listening more than hearing.

To illustrate what I mean, I like to joke that my favorite pick-up line is, “Oh my god, that ice cream looks delicious. Where did you get it?” By going this route, you’ve established that you already have something in common: You both love ice cream. (And who doesn’t? Probably no one you want to date.) I also might comment on someone’s accessories (like shoes, hair style, belt, etc.) because I genuinely admire these things. Whatever they’re doing or wearing when you meet them can offer clues to their personality… Pay attention to them.

The next step is the introduction, and this is where most people make their first mistake. Always, always offer your name first and then allow them to give theirs. No one likes some stranger intruding into their lives and laying into them with questions. It feels more like an interrogation than an introduction, which immediately puts someone on the defense. Be friendly; you come in peace.

Names also have a magical quality to them. There’s some particulate of truth to the old superstition that if you know something’s name, you assume control over it. A person’s name contains their identity, and to some extent, their definition. How unnerving would it feel to give someone your name and not receive one in return? They’d feel alien, unreal, and hold some power over you until you learned theirs.

By offering your name from the beginning, you’re surrendering some of this power. You open yourself to that vulnerability as an act of good faith. By not approaching like a predator, the person who’s caught your interest will be more likely to reciprocate. If they don’t, this conversation is over. Bid farewell and be on your way. Maybe get yourself some ice cream.

The second-most often made mistake is in answering the question, “So, what do you do?” Most people jump to assuming that this specifically implies the qualifier, “…for a living?” without fully understanding the question.

We ask this question when we first meet others because we’re trying to build in our minds an image of the person’s personality by how they spend their time. In order to make the process easier, our minds tend to use a person’s job to fit them into some sort of character class template. We use this as a starting point, and build from there.

But how many of us are defined by our jobs? That is, our current jobs? Unless you’re living the dream of managing a career doing what you love, the most honest answer to this question will be a long throw away from how you pay your bills.

This may require some soul-searching, because the answer is whatever it is you do in your personal time. It’s the things that you’re most passionate about. When someone asks me what I do, I tell them that I’m a writer and participate in talk radio. Yes, they’re my hobbies, but they’re what make my life fulfilling and more accurately defines me as a person. This is what I’d be doing no matter what interchangeable odd jobs I’d have to earn a paycheck. This is who I am…and that’s what you should communicate to someone who’s getting to know you.

You can still tell the person what you do for a living (as long as it’s legal; otherwise they’re a liability). In fact, just knowing that you’re gainfully employed assures them that while you’re tending to your flights of fancy, you’re also (to some degree) responsible for yourself.

If you’re a student, this works well in your favor since the subjects you study greatly reflect your interests and passions. But, if all your personal time is filled with PlayStation, watching vlogs, and YouPorn, then you might fall back on your job as a back-up answer. If you’re all the above, but aren’t a student and have no job…well, let’s work on that before even considering any dating prospects.

So now the ice has been broken, the small talk is engaged, and you’re liking what you hear as much as what you see… How do you make your move to ask them out? Stay tuned, because that will be a topic for a future column.

If you have any questions, comments, or topics you’d like to offer, please email them in!

This entry was posted on Friday, August 20th, 2010 at 7:00 am and is filed under Fan Service. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.