Welcome to Fan Service, my first attempt at writing a regular geek-centric advice column for this site… It’s a part of my mission through this site (and the podcast) to improve the lives of my fellow geeks, be it by entertainment or enlightenment. Topping the leaderboards of a geek’s daily struggles is the art of romance. Especially the fellas, whom I address the most.

Lesson One will spotlight flowers; a benchmark of courtship. Let me emphasize this, gentlemen: Flowers. They are important. There are volumes of theories and conspiracies as to why flowers are so effective with women. Whichever you subscribe to is irrelevant; all you really need to know is that they fucking work. Keep in focus the end result.

It’s similar to dieting. I don’t know much about nutrition or metabolism–I just know that I should watch what I eat. It doesn’t matter why; I just need to do it because it is good for me.

There are spread rumors of women who claim to not like flowers. Men, I urge you to expel this thought. It will poison your mind, fooling you into believing that, in the off-chance you’ll run into one of these women, you’re exempt from ever gifting flowers.

By default, give a woman flowers. If she politely responds that she’s not into flowers, then you may be excused from your floral duties. (We’ll explore other options for tokens of affection another time.) However, it’s the initial effort of flattery that she’ll make note and appreciate. Commit this to memory: It’s the emotional sentiment–not the tangible object–that she must receive from you.

So, when is the best time to give a girl flowers? For starters, never on the first date. The first couple of dates are about testing the romantic waters… Check that said waters are not too cold or infested with piranha. If by the third or fourth date you share some genuine, mutual chemistry, then the gift of flowers is your signal to her that you’re ready to dive right in!

It’s on this signal that bringing flowers on the first date can backfire. Coming in too hot from the get-go communicates to her that you’re desperate and insecure. Possibly creepy. Nothing turns off women more than those two traits. Besides, you’ll feel relieved if she too soon reveals herself as a harpy; more deserving of a splash of Holy Water than festooned blooms.

Once flowers are introduced into the relationship, consider them now a staple. For every special occasion, no matter what gift you plan for your special someone, you will garnish it with flowers. No matter the expense, regardless if it’s a card, scented candle, concert tickets, transatlantic cruise, or giant robot. It will be that…plus flowers.

Having secured this habit, you also have to remember the significance of spontaneity. It is a powerful aphrodisiac. If flowers only appear in a cycle–anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, or any other day that can be marked on a calendar–it turns into a chore. The doubled edge to this is that the flowers will be expected of you (and God save you if she doesn’t receive them) and they’ll ultimately be unappreciated.

It’s the “just because” flowers that are vital in keeping the wings of love in flight. The scene they convey to her is that sometime during your day, the thought of her materialized in your mind. You then thought of the flowers, knew she had to have them, and made it so. You have to do this; otherwise you’re doing the whole thing wrong.

But, hoo-dang, flower arrangements can be expensive, can’t they? I sense that bead of sweat after reading this far. You’re worried that on your measly income, you can’t afford to buy flowers. Well, brother, you can’t afford not to. I hate clichés, but this is our reality.

Relax! The good news is that you can get flowers just about anywhere. Florists, grocery stores, that sketchy Guatemalan guy at the intersection… You have plenty of low-cost options within your grasp. Buy the best quality that you can afford, even if it’s a single stem. Just realize that you can’t afford to buy no flowers.

And I shouldn’t have to tell you this: Real flowers only. Whatever magic powers that real flowers are imbued, synthetic flowers lack them. As do the viola and peace lily you hastily tear from some corporate landscape. There must be a clear show of effort on your part–a genuine expression of affection. Without that honest affection to express, it’s time to ask yourself why you’re even in it with her.

Once the bouquet passes to her hands, what is your next move? Nothing. In fact, once she’s arranged them, you never speak of them again. As far as you’re concerned, this practice is just another part of your personality. A feature to your function. You go to work in the morning. You hit the bar with your buddies on Friday nights. You play some PlayStation after dinner before your favorite TV shows come on. You give women whom you’re fond of pretty flowers. It’s just something that you do.

I understand that when on a limited budget, choices must be made. First, when you must choose between the latest video game and gifting your lover with flowers, it’s flowers every time. The game will be there for you to purchase when your next paycheck arrives. The same may not be said of a girl who’s regrets shacking up with your neglectful monkey ass.

Whatever your sacrifice to procure the bouquet, let it never be mentioned. You may think you’re sounding heroic, but sharing with her your loss will dissolve the illusion of gallantry you worked hard to produce. Instead of endearment, the only feeling you’ll conjure within her will be guilt! If she’s of decent character, she’ll sympathize with your loss creating a stigma on the bouquet whenever she sees it. Like a dead swan draped across the mantle. This is the opposite of what you want.

On the flip side, you may be tempted to brag to your buddies about your Casanovian feats. (“I know how to treat my womens!”) Shut. Your. Stupid. Mouth. Let your lady do the bragging for you–she is your ultimate PR representative. When she reports to her girlfriends about how her man showered her with “just because” flowers, their jealousy will have them giving their boyfriends the business. Those guys then will know they’ll need to step up their game around you.

If you’re the one delivering the message to the guys, all that will be received is that you’re a p-whipped chump. Worse, when your lady catches wind of your boasts, suddenly the flowers are unmasked as a “just because” gift for your own ego…not for her.

Simple enough, fellas? I hope so. If you have any questions, counterpoints, or topics that you’d like to submit, please leave a comment or drop an email!

This entry was posted on Friday, July 30th, 2010 at 7:00 am and is filed under Fan Service. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.